@#$%*@!! And Then Some.

I am so angry at the world! I feel aggravated 90% of the time. I am beyond frustrated, upset and annoyed. I am livid and mean-spirited and have lost faith in people’s trust.

Every time I make a suggestion it goes unheard, turned down, and rejected. Then when everything falls apart, when the other side realizes they were wrong but too proud to admit it I sit here holding my tongue out of respect or because my mother always taught me that when you have nothing nice to say its better to say nothing at all. When in my head there is that little nagging voice that appears as it always does (oh, Conscience, you work in irritating ways) screaming, “You, Fool! I TOLD YOU SO!!!”

I am tired and fed-up and sick of the world screwing me. Screwing with me, making me think today is okay but wait, just wait for it, I can’t wait to mess-you-up tomorrow. Maybe this is why grandma was always so quick and snarky. Maybe because by the time you get really old and wrinkly you are so beyond seeing anymore silver linings it feels a heck of a lot better to stick your proverbial middle finger up at the world and everyone who does you wrong. Maybe, just maybe, the old saying is true, the older you get the wiser you become – I heard a well-respected rabbi once say, “okay, so, I don’t need to know everything“. The problem I guess is you either stick your head in the sand, become ignorant to the point of avoidance so that when you finally get to the age of retirement, all that garbage won’t have been festering so that you can look back and say, man if they only knew, or just deal with it. Maybe this is why people drink, to numb the senses, to blur the lines of reality so the ugly truth of some people’s natural rotten instincts to be obnoxious, boorish and downright abusive, disappears.

What I really need is to focus on those pinpoints of happiness, a smile or a hug here and there. A common courtesy or a simple thank you. A random act of kindness from a complete stranger who is more willing to give of his time and energy and patience when even those closest to you sometimes take you for granted or deny you thoughtfulness and caring. A look or a pat on the back or comforting squeeze on your shoulder that says, I know it stinks and I am here for you, when it feels like your world is falling apart.

In this world I guess it’s really important to give, give, give and pray that it means something in the end. Praying that there is reward for decent behavior and if I give it my all and act appropriately with good manners, proper speech, and look for ways to let go of the things I cannot change than perhaps, just perhaps this awfulness will rid itself from my path and I will be blessed with kindnesses in return.

Of course no one is perfect and maybe I have really high expectations, but I don’t think so. I generally give someone the benefit of the doubt, I look for silver linings, I am usually the first to apologize for the sake of peace, but as we say in Hebrew, ad kdei kach, which translates loosely as – up to a certain point. How many times can I forgive ill-behaved rhetoric? How many opportunities will pass me by because I wanted to see something through? How much more damage will it cause my sensitive soul to stay quiet and polite and let bullies with egos bruise me over and over again with their holier-than-thou attitude, tone and terrible conduct? Not much longer, I can guarantee that. Only when we get to the deepest level of sorrow or pain or suffering, do we finally come to our senses. When we see that a situation will not change, we must make a change in ourselves. We can wait for others to reach out but in the end, the initial need must come from within. The desire for something better must first reside within ourselves, then and only then will we have the ability to formulate new paths where there is a light at the end of that ugly tunnel.

photoWe need to recognize the signs that are ever-present. Just as I was in that awfully sad place, I passed this piece of paper lying there, encouraging me. All it takes is one idiot to convince another idiot to go along with a really bad idea. So, I was influenced and had let some (or many) idiot(s) turn me into someone I began not to recognize, spewing hateful, sad thoughts to others and for that I apologize. But then I saw this paper and laughed pitying myself. There was an actual sign, just lying there on the floor waiting for me to see how foolish I had been. How did I get so lost, and caught up in this mess? I took that paper with its blatant message and conjured it up throughout the day. I willed myself against the odds. The day was certainly filled with more drama and I bit back my grief and focused on the message.  When the work day ended, I got in my car with a sigh of relief, only to be met with traffic as far as the eye could see. It would make me an hour late getting home, an hour later sitting to help with homework and preparing dinner, an hour less to be with my children before bedtime. So I stopped the car for others, stranded because of the traffic, to share my ride home. 5 strangers sat trusting me to take them to our neighborhood, safely.

So I repeat: In this world I guess it’s really important to give give give and pray that it means something in the end. Praying that there is reward for decent behavior and if I give it my all and act appropriately with good manners, proper speech, and look for ways to let go of the things I cannot change than perhaps, just perhaps this awfulness will rid itself from my path and I will be blessed with kindnesses in return. Call it karma, fate, or the power of G-d.

Today ended well, as do most days. For this I am thankful. I am grateful for good health and sustenance.  I am reminded how precious life is when I hear about someone attempting suicide. I am thankful for strangers that stop to help a family struggling on a chilly night with a punctured tire. I am delighted that others seek my knowledge and respect my abilities. I am hopeful for better tomorrows.

4 comments

  1. I’ve had more than my fair share of days like that. And I have found myself wondering about good karma and why I don’t seem to be getting any. And then I wonder if I have to re-think the meaning of karma. Mo answers yet. Hope your tomorrow is better than today was.

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