And this is how my day started. It is only 9:30 AM and already what you see above you is the visual of ugly moods thanks to a chain of events that led me down a mean and nasty road.
Generally I don’t post a daily – what happened to me today- type blog. However, since I am certain that no work will be accomplished until I let out some unhealthy angry feelings, by writing out, I figure I better get started.
Here is how it went down:
6:00 AM My husband woke me up to tell me he was really sorry about forgetting to give me an important phone message, which was to check my work email about a sensitive topic that my boss was waiting for my response. That was yesterday around 6PM. Oops. So I opened the laptop, checked the email and realized it was sent out to the masses anyway. Nothing I could do.
6:30 AM Started waking up the children for school, 2 wet their beds, changed sheets, cleaned them off while grumbling about the level of laundry due to soiled linens, made my way downstairs to prepare lunches.
6:45 AM Climbed back upstairs to check on everyone, 1 still asleep, 1 sitting, staring into space, half-dressed, 1 whining about not finding the “right” underwear. Another claiming simply she could not go to school because she had nothing that matched. Sidenote: She often chooses to wear polka dots with stripes of all colors and layers. Lately though her “thing” is all about being monochromatic. Top and bottom need to both be solid and the same color.
7:00-7:30 AM I am angry already. Not screaming angry, frustrated angry. Begging children left and right to hurry so they don’t miss the bus. Desperate search for separated shoes, fights over who gets which hair accessories, baggies with pretzels, cheese toasts wrapped in foil, corn-flake crumbs flying, a mound of apples slices waiting to be packed up are part of the last minutes before I hear, “BUUUUUUUS” – screaming I say “hurryhurryhurry”.
7:32 AM She refuses to leave the house. She has not stopped crying and complaining about EVERYTHING. From underwear to food, from hair style to water bottle. I panic. Am really angry this time, saying the bus is coming down the hill, toss a container of cottage cheese with a spoon in her bag and start rushing her to the door.
7:35 AM She turns crying and screaming at me that she needs a tissue. She walks ever so slowly to the bathroom. I am livid, begging, pleading, screaming about the unfairness, the lateness, the struggle that this morning has become. She walks out as I hear the roar of the bus. I grab her hand and say “this is rushing, the bus is at the stop you need to move extra fast now”. Her reaction was volitile. KABOOM. Did she let me have it. Screeching about my meanness, how awful I am and that she HATES COTTAGE CHEESE!!! Crying and screeching all the way down the stairs, to the bus stop.
The bus is already headed up the hill. I can hear her crying from across the street. She sits there making me feel guilty.
7:42 AM 2 children return, I beg them not to talk to me. I walk up the stairs, slow defeated steps.
8:00-8:30 AM Change the loads of laundry, fold some clothes try to remain calm. Get dressed and head downstairs to prepare the last 2 lunches. Putting away all extra baggies, wiping down the counter from peanut butter marks, sweeping the floor of corn-flake crumbs, I mumble the majority of the time cursing the mess. (Knowing it’s a blessing in disguise).
8:35 AM Drop off The Baby
8:45 AM Writing late notes in front of the school, waiting for them to exit. All is good, smiles and kisses, inner rage on the back burner until this idiot-woman decides she can turn around in the drop-off lane blocking both flows of traffic.
9:00 AM Not sure why, but even the red light makes me angry – fists up to the sky. Take the scenic route to calm my nerves. 120 km feels good.
9:15 AM At work. Need to just sit with a cup of coffee and breathe. Clearly too much to ask for. Returned the milk pitcher to the fridge, shut the door, hear dripping, opened the fridge door, milk everywhere. Every crevice, every shelf, under the fridge. nonabsorbent paper towels just move the milk in circles, clean up is a slow torture. Smelly milk hands. Turn water on to wash them, too much pressure, water all over my shirt. Soap plug is stuck, I pull harder, concentrated green gloop splashes all up and in my sleeve. Wash and rinse off my sleeve.
And that brings me here, typing with a soggy, stretched out sleeve cuff, a damp bodice and a cup of coffee that no matter how many cookies there may in the world to dunk in it, may not be enough to make me feel better. Who said you shouldn’t cry over spilled milk? I think if you want to, you should cry if you think it will make you feel better.
A steady flow of students enter and need attention, a great distraction until I get a phone call around 10:30 AM. A phone call that will hopefully change the pattern of the day, a phone call with an amazing opportunity. I left the office at 11:30 AM to meet with Rabbi Dr. Norman Lamm, distinguished rabbi, philosopher, teacher and author, to sit and work together with the Rosh HaYeshiva a brilliant Talmid Chacham. Just epic. BOOM! Silver Lining. In.My.Face. We sat and talked and worked side by side, truly a surreal experience and I finally returned to the office around 1:30 PM. Just as I was getting close to the office, I saw an opportunity to help a friend, carrying a cumbersome but not heavy load and offered them space in my car and a short ride to their final destination. Small kindnesses, offering help to others, will give you a sense of positivity and enhance your personal growth. What an incredible afternoon! I was busy for the next 4 and a half hours straight before I shut down my computer…realizing that I did not save the last edited version of this post. Ugh, the roller-coaster of emotions, as I got stuck in serious traffic, walking into the house at 7:00 PM crunching on what I imagine were more corn-flake crumbs on the floor.
9:20 PM Last slam of the door. Last warning to children still making too much noise. Last load of laundry until tomorrow. Knock on my bedroom door. In walks a child in tears. There are good days and there are better days. There are sad days and there are happy days. Today, we are not happy.
10:00 PM We hash out what the problems are, wipe away their tears, all the while thinking: small kindnesses…helping others. I have the opportunity here to grow as an individual. Sure, I JUST want to relax. But it’s not about me. I am a mom. Which reminds me, I never put away the pizza. UUURGGRGGGGhhh, down the stairs….crunch crunch, has anyone seen the broom?!?