Humor

Emergency Moustache Anyone?

I can’t help but laugh.

I’ve had a seriously busy last 2 weeks and this week isn’t any less hectic. Working 2 jobs, attempting to manage my children’s schedules with Judo, swimming lessons, packing my teenage son for a 2 day hike, speech therapy, prospective high school visits and the occasional scrub-down as I’d pass a particularly gross corner in my home I am pooped and craving the weekend.

But even with all THAT going on, I feel this is a must-have. I haven’t blogged in a while and as soon as I saw this particular item, and on WEDNESDAY no less, I knew I had to break for a few minutes to share my most recent finds. These are gems. WHO MAKES THESE THINGS UP????

Geniuses that’s who.

mustacheSo I present to you the Emergency Moustache. Yes, of course there must be an occasion when one thinks to themselves, “Oh Man! Where the heck is my moustache? This is a real emergency!”

Maybe guys like Tom Selleck or Ron Swanson would need this after a shaving mishap, but the general fellow (or worse, after my “research”, the occasional woman) would not need to keep one of these in their back pocket. In case I’m wrong you can purchase these for a mere £6.99.

pop-up cupAt a rave and realize the guy in front of you just got that last Red Solo cup – no worries. Now you can bring your own pop-up cup to the party! For the drinking emergency you know? What impresses the ladies more than this?

Oh wait, I know what does…women are generally attracted to those guys with the Macho ‘staches, as well as the man who carries his own cup to parties…but those “bad-boys” always get the ladies…

Sure enough any man wearing this t-shirt can’t possibly be single. The assumption is, if he is wearing the shirt, he must know. And anyone woman who has ever watched an episode of Prison Break surely knows how smart these jail-birds can be.

Jail tshirtPS. These shirts are not as funny as you think they are. Do not wear them unless you actually went to jail or look like Mr. Wentworth. (swoon)

love-gloveLastly, the very worst way a guy can profess his love for his main squeeze or aim to impress her with his creativity would be giving her the love glove. I can’t say whether this is the actual name for this product but it is what I would call it if I had created it, which I would never do – because it’s so weird and lame and well – dorky. Even though we fall for those guys all the time, gift giving and more importantly, impressing the ladies is a whole science. Actual science.  According to Business Insider, and this is no joke, there are actual reasons why some women react and are attracted to men.

Naturally women prefer men with a good sense of humor and a certain degree of personal grooming, not a rude shlub who hasn’t changed his socks in 3 days…just because. Wishing everyone a wonderful Wednesday, and here’s to hoping you find lots more things to keep you smiling.

If you find something on the internet you find funny, feel free to share it, let me know, and I’m sure others will too. Until next time…

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Tell Me Something Good…

Sunday:

There is so much bad in the world today. I mean literally, today.  Murder, rape, starvation, abuse, terrorism, political scandal, prostitution, abduction, raging fire, sickness, divorce,  ugh the list goes on an on. That was just a snippet from news articles I read today until I finally put a stop to it. My brain and heart and eyes needed a break from all this awful negativity.

I wished there were more articles on good news than bad but alas the way to true journalism  I guess is exploiting ourselves as much as possible. So I searched and searched until I found a few things that lightened the mood.

These are some of the things that made me smile:

  • ‘Dad jeans are making a comeback’ according to The New York Times  fashion and trend section.
  • The Huffington Post added a video of a porcupine eating a banana – you can check it out HERE
  • Apparently, according to the BBC, if one is too fat – he can not live in New Zealand. Some would contend that this is bad news. But imho, it’s so bad that it’s good.
  • An affordable eye shadow has hit the market thanks to Lady de Cosmetic.
  • Two Prince Georges were born, but only one is an ass.

So there you have it.

Monday:

Today is a much better day. My son went to camp happily in his new t-shirt and shorts. I avoided reading anything newsworthy. I am having a decent hair day *which means my wig is washed and clean and soft and smells pretty, (girly-stuff-bla-bla-bla) and best of all I am starting to make time for blogging again. I cleaned more of the piles on my desk that I kind of just shoved into one massive pile.  I broke them down and organized them in a way that actually makes sense and that I can hopefully find something now when I need it.  I redecorated my little desk area so now it’s more functional. However, being programmed to look towards the right at my phone to find out the date and time is getting annoying since I moved the phone to my left.  Other than that its been…

…I was going to say quiet and then tons of people came into the office all at the same time!  It’s noon and I re-checked my incoming email to find some really interesting things (read busy work items)  I need to tend to. What happened to my chilled out planned day? Life is like that  –

A small story before I sum up:

Once upon a time there was a happy little monkey. The monkey wanted to play all day, lounge in the tree and eat bananas until her belly was full. There was only one problem. It was raining outside and this little monkey hadn’t mastered climbing trees when they got a bit slippery from the rain. She had 2 choices. The first was to make a new plan. The second was to go outside and try to climb the tree, even though she had been unsuccessful before. Both options had positive measures with possible positive outcomes. Whatever the monkey decided would be the right thing to do. Making the decision was that hardest part.

Often in life we are given choices or options and are forced to make decisions. With a positive attitude, any decision can made infinitely better from the get-go. 

Today I chose to bypass the news sites. Not because I am ignoring the problems that face the world today, but because I am giving my heart a break. To read such awful outcomes, to fathom that some people are choosing to destroy the lives of others, to contemplate the people of the world as a whole unit doing harm unto one another is too big a pill to swallow day after day. I want to enjoy the beautiful things, the happy moments, the funny and the absurd that we miss because of the negativity that eclipses them.

So here are the things today that made me smile:

I call this the grandmadillo:

Mike Wazowski:

Sad Ending but Inspiring and Always Makes Me Smile:

So with this I end with a message to show some love today. Make choices that help others, that encourage your loved ones, that make you a better person. Feel good about your place on this earth and help make it a better place for our children. Sending out wishes for peace and harmony to all those that struggle today with decisions not in their own hands.

Weighing My Options

Crossroads are never easy. What do you do when asked to do something you aren’t sure about? Decision making is difficult when it’s your own life and stuff is going down. But what happens when all of a sudden – someone asks something of you that you hadn’t considered before?

My first bit of advice is never commit to answering right then and there. Big questions deserve big time outs. People need time to process information before making rash decisions.

One of my many flaws is that I am quick to say, “yes, I can help.” I mean it with every fiber in my body. In my heart, I want to help, my brains screams: DO IT, and my hands and feet are ready and willing.

So when I was confronted recently with conflicting feelings – I was like a deer caught in the headlights. I was sort of just frozen and tongue-tied and some-how I managed to say that I needed to time to think about it.

It was the best decision I made.  Whats worse than saying no? Saying yes and then regretting it. I’ve been most fortunate in the times people have asked for my assistance. While I was always so willing to give of my time, energies and support to others, I sometimes neglected my own needs.  No one suffered besides me. Being kind has its rewards and what ‘they” say is true. What goes around comes around.

That having been said – it applies to the negative as well. Currently I find myself in a position where I am dying to say, I told you so. But it’s not nice to rub it in once the damage is done. I warned someone not to be so trusting. I begged them not to lend funds when they had financial struggles. And now, they are in heaps of trouble. They have asked for my help – not monetarily – but for advice. Advice is free when you are someone like me – but there is always a price to pay. Getting involved on any level now is sure to bring trouble rearing its ugly head in my direction. But can I turn away?

Looking at the larger picture, if I were in this person’s shoes – I would seriously hope there would be someone to hold my hand, ease my fears and pray for a positive outcome. I’ve always had my pulse on other people’s feelings and this is really hard for me. On one hand, I KNOW this person needs help. On the other,  I am willing myself to say no. I am at a crossroads.

The time has come to make a decision and instead of jumping – you know ‘they’ say the older you get the wiser you become – I find myself being more cautious than ever before. I am listening to my own advice; that inner voice, and taking the time to really think it through.

Sometimes I wish life was all rainbows and butterflies with rooms full of bowls of ice cream and buckets of peanut chews.  I wish I had an amazing sense of humor and a quick wit to get myself out of potentially sticky situations. But – that’s not me. I’m the one that took 3 days and then FINALLY had a comeback. I can not even count the times my brother face-palmed when I finally spit it out.

There is one consolation to all this. At least it wasn’t me. I am a very trusting person as well, in theory this problem may have been mine if I were in a state of tenderheartedness for someone’s sob-story. I am not the one in trouble and I have the answers this person needs. I just need to remember not to say, “I told you so”, which is going to be really hard. The reason for my hesitation? If this person really respected my opinion, they would have listened to me in the first place. They could have avoided this issue all-together, what makes me think they will listen now? Why should I spend my energies on someone who has proven not to listen to me in the past? I am a firm believer in the fact that G-d give us only a certain amount of words to use on this earth. I weigh my words very carefully and I wonder if this is an exercise in futility.

That Awkward Moment When…

Not that this happened to me (wink).

 

  • …you realize it was your chive-breath you kept smelling (but secretly blaming everyone else you spoke with).
  • …you notice the toilet paper dragging from the bottom of your shoe.
  • …someone else notices (before you) that you forgot to put deodorant on that morning.
  • …that your slip has fallen and is puddling at your ankles.
  • …your child loudly asks where your baby is while lifting your shirt and you’re not pregnant.
  • …you walk into the bathroom with the broken lock and find your principal sitting on the toilet.
  • …someone mistakens you for someone else BUT you don’t want to seem rude or you try for way too long to place the person when it hits you, you don’t actually know them. (And then the conversation ends with you saying, ‘”mmkay, bye-bye, keep in touch!”
  • …you’re typing a blog post and know that the word ‘mistakens’ is wrong but you repeat it again and again out loud convincing yourself it makes sense and that it sounds like a real word. (ALERT: FRIENDS reference: like ‘supposably’).

It’s no surprise that I often find myself in awkward situations and there is certainly no shortage of embarrassing situations I’ve been in either.

As it happens, I am not as organized as I want to be. I’m not programmed for neatness but a weird phenomenon is that I can’t handle when my desk at work is messy –I am always reorganizing my pencil/note/tape holder and rush to clear any lingering piles.

pencil cup

Wish I could say the same about the laundry. I am inundated and often want to take off one day a week just to get a handle on it.

Laundry

see the laundry back there, ignoring it as I look off into the sunset?

But, I know it’s my fault. At the end of the day, the last thing I have patience for is sorting and matching socks or trying to figure out whose white t-shirt is whose. I mean well but the fact is – I’d just rather NOT do it. In theory, instead of passing out at the end of the day and plopping on my bed scrolling through Facebook, I should be folding and switching those loads or washing and drying and putting away the dishes. I should be scrubbing the toilets and wiping down the counters. I should be preparing the children’s snacks for school the next day. Holy Mama – I’m tired even writing it all down, much less doing it all.

I always feel like, well if I didn’t have a day job, my house would be in perfect order – but is that so true given my lack of domestic abilities/interest in feeling like a maid? I wonder. Even on Friday when all the kids are out of the house and all I need to do is cook for the weekend – it takes me to the very last second of the day before the sun sets to get it all done. And then…it’s finally clean and organized and…then it’s not. For a minute or two, I cherish the orderliness. Then the little people start moving and there are cars and blocks and headless Barbie dolls and Bananagram tiles and a partial half-bent deck of cards all over the floor. Then the little people eat and I wipe the spills, change the shirt and pants for the 3rd time, sweep the crumbs into a corner because I lost the dustpan…somewhere on the first floor, I think. 

But I digress. The worst things I have encountered (because of my deficiency) as awkward moments go is when the teacher asks, “didn’t you see the note I sent home?” And my child is the one NOT wearing a white shirt for picture day. Then said child starts to cry so that I’d feel guilty enough to run home and get one of those t-shirts I left in one of the mountains of laundry. I have two choices at that moment.1) Blame it on the kid. (nooo, he must have taken it out of his bag before I had a chance to read it!) or 2) “yes, but you know? My life is so hectic, what with working and doctors appointments and errands and and and, so so so sorry, yes I know I always forget things, yes I know I should have put it on the fridge, yes that IS where I told you I put all the notes.”

And then it hits me – I remember seeing the note. On the fridge. I remembered to add it to my calendar on my phone so that things like this, my kid’s schedules, can be better managed, (too bad I added that note for the wrong day). I remembered to add it to the huge white-board in the kitchen nook where all other lists and reminders go. I just forgot to look at it.

Yeah, my life is busy and I ‘waste’ a lot of time doing things in maybe not the best most organized way. So my dishes wait until I am ready and my children learn some responsibility by folding and putting away their own laundry and dinner is sometimes served at 7 PM  So I’m not the best. However, my children are always clean. I clip their nails and make them eat fruit. On occasion I’ll serve vegetables with dinner. They all get hugged and kissed before bedtime. They all get hugged and kissed before they run to the bus stop in the morning.  They are truly loved and well cared for and there is nothing awkward about that.

If You Could, Would You?

This is  a great dating game. Dating can be difficult if you are not the creative type, no worries though, here is something that can help you out! I have a friend Neil who owned (it’s still in our possession) a book with tons of questions, that was a great tool to use on a date to get to know someone. Sometimes things on a date get awkward and you run out of things to say or to ask.

As it happens, while driving to work this morning I asked my husband an “If you could, would you” question (that as far as I know is NOT in the book but I thought about how it’s like the same idea).

While the actual question I asked him is irrelevant and private – it had me thinking along the lines of other like questions:

So I posed these to him:  (my answers are in red)

If you could grow wings and have the ability to fly, would you want them? (no)

If you could roller blade to work and not worry about getting hurt (from traffic), would you? (probably only once)

Now I can’t stop thinking about various scenarios and what I would do.  Here is a list of 15 questions I came up with. Feel free to use any of them on your next date!

  1. If you could sleep whenever you wanted without any repercussions, would you? (Heck, yeah!)
  2. If you could eat hot dogs every day, would you? (For the first week, maybe)
  3. If you could choose any job in the world, would you care about the hours? (Not if I really loved it)
  4. If you had the ability to understand animals, would you want the ability to speak back to them? (Definitely)
  5. If you could be any height you wished, would you choose to be taller? (No-brainer)
  6. If you could have microscope glasses, would you wear them all the time? – This one intrigued me most. (I think I’d get a headache and never be able to focus on anything in particular. It would be like when you play the game Tetris for too long then close your eyes and you still see pieces falling!)
  7. If you could blink your eyes and transport your body to any other place, would you? (Now, this is a cool concept, but I’d be afraid)
  8. If you could communicate with the dead, would you? (NO WAY!)
  9. If you could dial any number at random at no cost, would you start conversations with anyone who answers? (You know I would)
  10. If you could live in The Igloo Village in Kakslauttanen, Finland, would you. (I’d want to vacation there – but not live there)
  11. If you could swim as fast as a shark, would you challenge it to a race (assuming you already answered yes to #4)? (I am possibly the world’s worst swimmer – and no, since he can swim as fast as me – he can gobble me up just as quickly if he were upset about losing!)
  12. If you could join the circus, would you? (Nah, those artsy people are kinda’ weird)
  13. If you could be sure about winning a food eating contest (for no other prize besides the satisfaction of being called the winner) would you enter? http://eatfeats.com/category/eating-challenges (this is so gross – I can’t believe how many there are)
  14. If you could be a guest on a television series (reality show perhaps with a chance to win tons of cash) but would walk away with less dignity, would you be willing to sign a disclaimer that they could use whatever unedited version the  producers chose? (tempting – but no. No amount of money is worth degrading yourself)
  15. If you could, would you? Mooing for money. Check this out

Mooing

MooingWhen it comes to mooing, 10-year-old Austin Siok is an expert. The Dyer Intermediate School fifth-grader won an annual mooing contest at the Wisconsin State Fair because he sounded more like a real cow than the other about 80 contest participants. Austin has mooed a lot since kindergarten and said he started doing it even more this summer after his family read about a mooing contest at the Racine County Fair and decided to enter Austin. Austin practiced enough that he did well in the Racine County Fair contest and qualified to compete at the State Fair last Wednesday. He ended up winning the contest, which was for anyone over age 5, after a moo-off with the second place winner. For his win, Austin got $1,000, a cow print jacket, a golden cowbell and a year’s worth of free subs from Cousins Subs, which sponsored the contest. (Link)
Read more at http://www.oddee.com/item_97171.aspx#1poxgvyuU0oy2e17.99

How cute is that little guy? Weird Stuff On Wednesday has been saved by little Austin Siok! Thanks, kiddo!

Feel free to answer any of the questions above or leave comments below. I’m interested in hearing what you have to say. I’d also love to hear the questions you’d come up, ‘if you could, would you?’ You can really get to learn a lot about people, whether you are dating them or just hanging out with your already significant other – it sure is a fun way to pass the morning drive to work when there is traffic. I had lots of fun thinking up these 15 questions. I will also take requests: if you have an idea for a topic for Weird Stuff on Wednesday, I’d be more than willing to oblige and do the research and write something up about your idea!

Just Breathe

Finally, an official diagnosis. It’s not terrible, it’s manageable. But it’s a disease for life – which means she’ll have to maintain a serious diet…forever. That’s depressing – but people with serious food allergies deal with this all the time. I am thankful it’s not worse.

Basically my 8-year-old has been diagnosed with Celiac’s disease. She is at stage 3 (there are only 4) and there is damage to her stomach lining. As it happens, I have at least 3 neighbor’s who have children also with Celiac’s disease so I’ll be going to them for recipes and support I imagine. The silver lining is the doctor said after a few months of adhering to the strict diet the damage to her stomach lining is reversible. She’ll start to grow and not be teased that she is a baby anymore because of her size (I hear growth is almost immediate after a proper diet is established).  We all need to be tested as well, I fear another daughter will also be diagnosed as she is quite smaller than her peers – but at least they’ll do it together.

https://i1.wp.com/assets4.designsponge.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/rosie_the_riveter1.jpgThat was yesterday.

Today, after meeting with the psychologist from school, we have a final assessment that our 8-year-old is quite intelligent and has tons of motivation but she lacks in language skills, in both languages so she suffers tremendously in school. We are trying to get her into a new class, a smaller class so that she won’t get as lost or feel frustrated that she can’t keep up. The problem may be that even if she qualifies to be in the class, it may not be held at her current school, where she has her sisters to rely on when things are too much for her to handle. We’ll have to wait and see, if there are enough students in her current school to warrant a special class, then she wins. If the majority of students are from another neighborhood then she’ll need to switch schools to where the majority go. That makes me nervous. She’ll need speech therapy. She’ll need to read more books and play more language based games, we’ll try to make it as fun as possible, which means lots of extra TLC – lucky girl.

Lastly, she has a hearing problem. Well, well, well. No wonder she is not thriving in school! She has a belly ache half the time, she can’t hear what’s going on and when she can hear she doesn’t always understand.  My poor girl.

We will be vigilant. We will see the speech therapist, the ENT, the dietician. I will enter the health food store, regardless of its funky barn-like stench, I will learn biology and what this really means so that I can offer her the best information and choices for her to flourish and blossom.

https://cheriblevy.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/be3f6-apple.jpgAnother day, another hurdle. To add to this emotional roller coaster I started eating better myself. Tired of the roly-poly me, even though she is so jolly, Chubby is watching her weight and even exercising, alert the media! Just kidding, please don’t = even though I love watching The Biggest Lose (Australia) – I wouldn’t want to be a contestant. So even though I still have not surpassed that major desire to wolf down a sugar packet, I am making smarter choices and taking smaller portions, but I am still kind of cranky.  I want to love healthy food…but I don’t. Not yet anyways. I know it will come, I know I need to keep the pantry stocked with better choices and the fruit and veg bin full at all times – this will help me from grabbing something I shouldn’t eat. Now that I’ll be consciously watching my daughter’s diet, I think this will help me overall as well. Fingers crossed people. The longest I ever stuck with any diet was a week.

A Case of the BlahBlahs…

…otherwise known as ‘Overworked And Underwhelmed’. You must know what I’m talking about. When you get into that rut at work, where you used to be content with the day-to-day business of whatever field you are in, but now it seems tedious and you start getting a case of the blahblahs.

Personally I feel there is nothing worse at work than being bored. Well scratch that. Having a boss that is rude and not compassionate could be worse than that. But being bored is pretty bad. I am thankful that this is not my current case, sort of. I am so busy at work that my brain is thinking faster than my computer (time to get a new computer) and I*am*frustrated. The fact that I can’t pound through the filing/faxing/photo copying/scanning/emailing faster is making me feel discouraged. Also – I love what I do – in theory- but not in the practical menial task sense.

I am polar opposites at work and home. At work I can not stand when there are piles left – I MUST GET TO THE BOTTOM OF MY PILE when I have one taking up room on my desk. At home though? Maybe because I am so wiped out, I mentally check out, because I can guarantee almost 99% of the time, that laundry pile can stay put until I am good and ready to tackle it.

The day is coming to a close and though I feel accomplished I am at the mercy of others. This too is a contributing factor in the case of the blahblahs. I can be part of a team. In fact, I am a really good team-player. When I have to wait for others to do their share and it makes me look inefficient, I get understandably cranky. When there is a time crunch and the other team members are dragging their feet and not communicating properly it’s enough for you (read me) to really get bleepity-bleep.

But I am letting it go. Listening to my own advice. Getting angry won’t help the work get done any faster. Deep Breathing. Eye-twitching. Wearing a turtle-neck sweater so no one can see the neck blotching, oh right deep breathing.

I will be okay as soon as I get some fresh air. 4:54 PM, not long now ’til I bolt out of the doors and move on to the next task, dinner.

Now, how can I make eggs exciting?

Freeze The Cheese

This is a phrase I want people to start using. I want to hear it one day used in a movie, on the streets, in a song…you name it. It can be used in a myriad of ways all for different needs.

Example #1: The Cheesy Pickup Line: While some think they are being ‘clever’ most people will see it as being cheesy and honestly how many times have you heard this classic pick-up line…”Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?” Ich. Here anyone could and should respond with a simple “freeze the cheese.”

Example #2: The Cheesy Joke: How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. Yeah, I know, little chuckles for everyone. It’s cute. It’s also cheesy. Not cheesy enough to warrant the phrase? How about this one? Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. Bada-boom. Here, it would be perfectly acceptable to face the jokester  and say, “freeze the cheese”. (I also call these ‘Dad jokes’)

Example #3: The Cheesy Potato: Where I work there used to be catering services. There was a specific caterer one year that would make the same basic menu week after week, and there was always a day dedicated to the cheesy-potato dish. It looked like this:

This looks so unhealthy and coming from me, that is a big deal. I love lots of things that look unhealthy and often indulge though I know better but imagine eating this dish week after week? Someone should have had the guts to face the chef and say, “freeze the cheese!”

Example #4: Cheesy Clothing:  There is something to be said for originality. I appreciate the witty one-liners but I can’t stand when you’re at an amusement park and you pass a couple wearing matching t-shirts on purpose. Like the couple that has to walk around always on the same side of each other because her t-shirt says I’m with him and an arrow pointing to the right and his says I’m with her and an arrow pointing to the left. Barf. In this case you can’t really say anything because well freedom of speech applies if you live in the US it’s always important  to encourage individuality. But there is no law that says you can’t think it:

Freeze The Cheese!Easy Cheesy Tee Shirt

Okeedokee. Bridal showers are all about weird cheesy gifts and games so while it’s not entirely fair for this to be part of the series it still must be mentioned. There is this one game that I remember vividly – basically everyone purchases an inexpensive kitchen item and all the gifts are filled in a laundry basket or garbage pail or some other receptacle that can be used by the new couple once they are married.

Example #5: The Cheesy Gift: Everyone must think of  a cute hint that is sort of punny. attach it to the gift and the bride has to try to guess what it is before opening it. The card may read: Wishing you a sweet life beyond measure.  Did you figure it out? It was a measuring cup filled with candy. If you are rolling your eyes like I am you or shaking your head slightly with raised eyebrows – you may have been at the same party as me, perhaps in a different state or the week after, preparing the bonnet of wrapping paper and bows that the bride-to-be ends up wearing and smiles like a goober to commemorate the cheese as her friends and Aunt Sylvia are saying, look over here, as the cameras go a-flashing. Yikes. I may have just heard one of you screaming at me to ‘freeze the cheese’ because this stuff is too awful to read, it was bad enough having to participate in them but reliving it here? Oh now c’mon – you know you loved it back then and are smiling like a goober now!

All in all – I hope this post gets passed around – (SUBLIMINAL HINT HERE) and it goes viral –  and the world will be using my phrase to stop the weirdos amongst us. Peace Ya’ll.

Gorilla Poop, Jimmy Fallon And Life…

…and more random thoughts by CheriBLevy.

https://i1.wp.com/25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lorp9aOa8W1qihh0eo1_400.jpg

This, in the baking community, is called Gorilla Poop (cookies) or…No Bake Cookies. I am in a weird mood and even though it’s not Wednesday, I have to post about weird stuff today, which basically means, random train of thought blubbering. Enjoy!

In my reader today there was a post from my “friend”, a blogger at Inspire & Indulge, and her title made me giggle, I am still even chuckling to myself…because THIS is what she posted. While I think the name is funny and a bit gross, I am DEFINITELY going to make these probably in the next 24 hours for a few reasons.

  1. Because I want to shock my kids when I say the word ‘poop’
  2. Because there is no baking involved
  3. Because I want to shock my kids when I say the word ‘poop’
  4. Because they make it look so easy
  5. Because I want to shock my kids when I say the word ‘poop’

You get it. I have mentioned before in previous posts about how I like to prank others. Nothing too dramatic, I am not super creative, just a bit so that I can get a good laugh. I feel a hidden camera or interview type style might be necessary to pull it off and be able to film their reactions.

On other random news in my life. I watched this clip of Jimmy Fallon & Rashida Jones and I can’t stop smiling.

 

They look like they are having so much fun. I love her in Parks & Rec and loved her in The Office, and okay – basically anything so it was a win win for me. In all due fairness, I equally love Jimmy Fallon. He makes me smile and laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE ANYTHING HE DOES! I know that’s the point and I can join probably the other millions of people in the world that feel the same way I do.

I am feeling inspired and really want to sing and make a video with my kids to honor these 2. I probably won’t so, you’re welcome in advance, but I just might one day. (yeah yeah, just like I might also hire a cleaning woman to sort my lack of domesticity one of these days too!)

The last thing on my mind today is more serious. So sorry to turn the notch down on the funny, like I said complete random thoughts here, but it’s been on my mind all day, and there is a message to be learned. Driving to work today I witnessed the aftermath of a motorcycle accident. It was reported on the news with no other information than that which I had seen. 2 or 3 ambulances (one being ZAKA, so we knew it was bad), a motorcycle thrown on its side by the curb, and lots of yellow tape, but as we passed I noticed there was a body on the ground, covered by a plastic tarp, meaning only one thing. My breath caught. I’ve seen it dozens of times on Law & Order and other various CSI-like shows, but never in my real life have I seen a body that just lost its life. I saw his shoes. That’s what I remember. His brown shoes, that got on his bike this morning, as someone’s friend, someone’s son, perhaps someone’s father or husband or brother and thought to myself, how cruel that I know before them. It is this message that I walk away with today and I hope you do as well:

Make time to laugh. Cause others to smile. Remember to share your feelings with those you love.

So with that I thought to share some of the things that made me smile today even though they were unconnected and even a bit off-color. Perhaps they’ll make you smile as well. Wishing everyone a blessed day.

It’s All Good…she said sarcastically

https://i0.wp.com/sacredsandwich.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/avoidance.jpgThere are actually some people who care how you are when they ask you, “hey, how are you?” or “sup?” with a slight head nod. However, most people use it as a greeting and do NOT expect, want or mean to hear a 20 minute story about your awful morning or the fact that you didn’t hear the alarm buzzer go off and your whole morning was basically thrown off kilter. They could care less and are just doing what they can and achieving the slightest degree of having good manners when passing you. The common response is, “good thanks and you?”, but do you care? You might. They’ll probably just respond, “great thanks”. End of conversation. This makes me sad. I’m not all crunchy-granola and think we need to feed each other rainbows and hug all day,  but I do feel like connecting more with people. Though I’ve heard people give advice and I am probably at fault as well, for saying: “No matter what you do people will always have something negative to say”. Why can’t we say the opposite? We need more positivity. Especially if you see someone in a grumpy mood or having a cranky-pants, bad-hair day, make the effort to listen for a few minutes, offer up ANYTHING positive and be helpful.

Lets start speaking nicer to each other. If you do not want to ask the other person, how is your day going….then don’t ask. Just say hello. No harm, no foul.

Where do we draw the line at being honest though? For every time I have responded “fine, thanks” and smiled to the passerby when inside I want to roar like a lion and cry like a baby all at the same time, I may be possibly cheating myself out of getting cheered up, or worse, smiling.

Yes, it is important to have those angry/sad/bloated and obnoxious feelings and deal with them in the proper fashion, like screaming in a pillow/eating a tub of ice cream/wearing fat pants and crying at Kleenex commercials. So again, where do we draw the line and cut the niceties?

I’m not sure I know. I mean, I get paid primarily to smile mostly all day and am generally in a cheery disposition and ready to help those that come asking. There is a part of me that says – lie, lie, lie. Your life is not EVERYONE’s business.

While this didn’t actually happen to me, any woman reading this will get what I’m trying to say:

That poor shlub, was trying to be polite and you’ve just detoured him into a 20 minute saga of your pathetic run in with the landlord who won’t fix your leak and that while he was screaming at you that it was your fault, your child pooped his pants, and you had no spare pants or underwear so you wrapped him in a towel that had tire grease from the back of the car where you left it, last Tuesday when you got a flat on the way to the dentist for a root canal that killed and caused you a major migraine that made you miss the Ladies Night Out that clearly you really needed.

Here I think, yeah it’s probably best to go with  “fine, thanks”. Why, you ask? Because honesty is not always the best policy. By sharing all that, you create awkwardness and with that, you can guarantee that shlub is going to avoid you from now on if he can.

My point is lets find a balance. Lets say: “it’s been a rough few days so its bound to get better” – then the shlub has a chance to follow through, you’ve laid it out there, given them an opportunity to be nice and inquire further or part with cheery helpful responses.

This is all on my mind, because it’s blatantly obvious that my morning started out rough. However, I aim to make it more positive, I promise to stop dumping out my utterly descriptive detailed blow-by-blow, and work on my responses to the basic, ‘how are you’ questions.  If you promise me one thing, feed me a rainbow every once in  while.

WSOW – 9/6/12 – SuperStretchies

Well, hello fellow lovers of Weird Stuff on Wednesdays…no, I didn’t forget :). I’m just a bit delayed with this post because I started biting off more than I can chew…also that doesn’t help with the fact that I named myself “Chubby” but oh well, some thing you just can’t change!

While discussing Weird Stuff on Wednesdays my friend mentioned this to me…the Spiderman bicycling outfit.

The company also sells in a Batman design for all those who are dying to add these pieces to their spandex collection! Phew, I know!

Seriously, it’s bad enough that it just hugs and grabs in the most intimate places but to purposely wear the added attraction of being a superhero on a bike – (which is basically ridiculous because superheros can fly  – why would they need a bike) flashing their business? NOT everyone can pull of spandex. See?

I told you so.

EXCEPTION TO THE RULE: I won’t post a picture of Nacho Libre – even though he’s awesome, because Jack Black is exactly that, awesome, and hello people – he’s a comedian – that’s what he does for a living, he will wear spandex-y stuff and act silly to make people laugh. It’s not meant to be worn out in public. Unless, you ARE a superhero (or completely insane)- then feel free, if you must, you must.

I am not alone, it’s even mentioned in their blog, The Blog of Bad, which I started following because well it’s honest and really funny.

So I know I am not the only one.

I understand that it helps with wind reduction and thus increasing one’s speed…again not sure why superheros need to be FASTER than the speed of light. KnowhatI’msayin’? That seems pretty fast to me. As for weightlifters, bicyclists and runners? Pick a new trend…for the sake of the people, please?

Okay, so while I am on the weird and stretchy – Halloween is coming up and masks ALWAYS frighten me. Yes, I know it’s not REALLY Ronald Regan – I still think it’s weird that you come around knocking for a mini Snickers bar looking like him. It’s weird and scary and quite honestly it FREAKS ME OUT!

Stretchy masks + anyone = you better go away from me.

They call this on the left The jigsaw killer saw puppet mask. Is that from a movie that I would NEVER see? Who makes this stuff up? So disturbing.  And dude on the right is supposed to be Prince Charles. So ok, ok – the chap isn’t the best looking thing since sliced brie, but he looks better than this monkey version of him…yikes.

Better weird stretchy stuff include toys. Stretchy toys are so much fun – but yeah, WEIRD!

I am probably dating myself here when I thought of the Stretch Armstrong doll but let’s be honest, if they still sold it, I’d still buy it.  I do absolutely love that they made a modern version for kids today…which is hilayr – seriously. To stretch Homer Simpson would probably keep me entertained for a good hour at least.

All in all, I’d be happy. But I did find the perfect stretchy toy for little kids, the elderly and especially the Octomom.  If you don’t know who SHE is, you aren’t reading enough Star Magazine on your way out of the supermarket checkout lane.  Basically, she gave birth to 8 children

(well not all at once – that WOULD be so weird)…all with the same pregnancy.

May I present the Octoband. 

Each child, or granny can grab a hold of one end. Then I guess do stuff.

 See, here is a visual. A retired business man, a retired super heroine, her partner in crime who poses as an old man during their octo-routine, a retired old white man, a retired disco dancer, and a retired cowboy all using the octoband doing stuff on  what clearly is Thanksgiving because that’s when we eat Pumpkin (geotag: the window).

Of course I’m joking, this is clearly used for therapy purposes involving dance moves. Not weird at all. Very important to keep the joints moving, kids. Otherwise you may end looking like that dude above, overweight, wearing spandex posing as a black Spiderman. And that’s just weird.

Weird Stuff On Wednesdays 8/15/12

 

Laughter is the best medicine, and too much of it will give you the hiccups!

(made the message easy to find this time, you’re welcome)

Have you seen this?

Logo

This is so outrageous! I was just told about this, and I love a good prank, but this takes it to a whole other creepy level.  Basically you can disguise your voice, disguise your number, spoof text, record your calls, add background noises for a more realistic prank setting and even go as far as doing a group spoof – adding multiple people to the call.

I also like this website if you want to go the less creepy route but also want to personalize a prank or have a good laugh. The way this works is you upload your photos and can place faces of your friends and family on mugs, posters, cards, magazine spoofs, etc… Now there are a lot of programs like Snapfish and Shutterfly that provide some of these ideas as well but I think the name Funky Pigeon is catchier…why do they all use animals (or bugs) to depict their names…not sure, maybe some grad student needs to research the correlation and write his dissertation on that! I’m just full of great ideas…

Now, I usually find things that make me giggle or raise my eyebrows for these posts, and while I really love pranking people I also love to see the interesting things inventors come up with that make me laugh. Like the 100% Himalayan Salt Egg Deodorant. Retailing at only $4.29 (sale price, folks!), this seems like a steal and totally real. Should I be surprised that there are no customer reviews yet for this product?

Apparently people in Europe have been using this product for years. No offense, and I am not saying ALL, but I’ve smelled some Europeans.They should really be marketing this product more. It claims to keep you dry for hours. NO joke. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself here. I don’t make this stuff up! When I saw it I thought…this must be a prank site – but it’s not! You can even purchase a variety of Himalayan Salt Lamps!!!! The possibilities are endless!

There is another thing I find completely fascinating and childish I admit. Fake food or poop. There are so many products out there that imitate food for kids-play or practical joking that I find it hilarious it has become such a profitable market. In my opinion this is confusing for children. I mean, we spend time begging our children NOT TO PLAY WITH THEIR FOOD (or heaven forbid touch their poop) and then giving them a basket of goodies to “cook” in their plastic kitchens! However. having said all this, I came across this item and can’t stop giggling. I get that sushi is still really trendy. And seeing this kinda’ combines the 2 things I was referring to. I don’t know much about sushi, I’m not one of those people. But I do know what poop looks like. And I’m not sure what the product on the most right is supposed to depict but well you can guess what I thought it looked like. These are fake products, by the way. Fake poop (or if anyone out there can enlighten me otherwise) on top of fake sushi. What kind of message are we sending to our children? Either the Japanese are brilliant or have mad senses of humor. Either way it’s making me laugh and I can guarantee that if someone played a prank on me with this item, I’d be laughing for some time after.

I really hope these Weird Stuff On Wednesday posts are making some people laugh or at least smile. I found other unique items like inflatable toast, Hannuka Candy Canes, and Brain Pops… I may need to create a new topic – tune in next week for more WSOW!

 

Weird Stuff On Wednesdays 8/8/12

Even though technically it’s tomorrow, I am still functioning as if it’s today. It’ll probably be an all-night-er. I can’t really remember the last time I pulled an all-night-er!

Whats weird about today? Well, let’s see…I am awake at 1:30 AM with my hair mid dye and one hand with wet nails…I am typing with my free hand and I’m waiting to switch a load of laundry. It’s been an emotional roller coaster day = yup, you know the one…bite-your-lip, hold-your-tongue kind of day that ends with some tears in the arms of someone else’s bubbe. No, seriously, true story.

But all is ok because LOREAL is making it all better, and blonds are supposed to have more fun. I hope number 105 is gonna’ be my lucky number.

Weighing in at 2AM – tried to paint my right set of nails. FAIL. Epic fail – looked like my 7 yr old was having playtime. My left hand is useless when it comes to a decent manicure. I had almost a whole pinkie finger tip covered in ‘Ballet Slippers’. Uncool. So I removed the polish on my right hand and that’s how its gonna’ stay.

I hear snoring. Snoring and a dog barking. Oooh which reminds me, this week I was completely terrorized by a dog. (Another time – I’ll need to make a whole ANIMAL section!!!) But this dog was a mean scaredy-cat. Yeah, Dog, I called you a cat! Take that you….aaaaahhhh get away get away get away….heart a-thumping I ran, barely staying dry.

Laundry was ready, heading back to my bedroom – I smelled it. The amazing salon aroma. Maybe I should bottle that smell and call it just that Salonaroma. My bedroom smells awesome. Wanna’ know something NOT awesome? I never put the ‘dude’ on. A dud (pronounced dude) is a switch that connects to a boiler that makes your water hot, especially needed after 5 kids shower before you. My #105 may turn my hair green, which would be great for today considering it’s Weird Stuff On Wednesdays, but not my lucky number after all.

https://cheriblevy.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/n.jpg?w=217

It usually takes an hour to get hot water so considering its almost 2:30 AM I’m going strong towards that all-night-er.  But my eyes are sleepy. I want to use this time wisely but am kinda’ feeling icky from dinner. Burping up chicken fingers at 2:33 AM aint fun. Wow, that took me 3 minutes to write. My brain is slowing down at this hour…I wonder why…it’s not like I was eating bon-bons all day, but that would have been so nice. Way better than crying in the arms of someone else’s bubbe, even though she was terrific.

So tomorrow, the real one, not the fake its past midnight tomorrow because well I am still considering it to be today, Wednesday., Right. So tomorrow, is the beginning of the party weekend. Bar Mitzvah boy is reading from the Torah at the Kotel (Western Wall). I sorta know what I am wearing, I laid all the clothing out for the kids and already know that I am going one hand nail polished and the other bare. MmmHmm, that is clearly the most important part about tomorrow…duh, how obnoxious am I? The most important thing about tomorrow is showing our boy-man how proud we are of him.

I’m just happy he doesn’t have any of that weird upper lip dark peach fuzz that is too soft to shave but looks icky hanging out on a soft cheeked boy…but if he did- that would have been cool, since today is Weird Stuff On Wednesday!

Okay 15 minutes have passed and I am gonna’ brave the cold waters. I need a nap. Day #4. We are to leave at 6:45 AM so…I am close to my all-night-er target but I really want to sleep. That and I think these fumes are getting me a bit dizzy.

To be continued…since its technically tomorrow.

My Real Surprise Birthday

I was skeptical about today. It’s a big number. https://i1.wp.com/www.balloonmaniacs.com/images/ohnothebig40birthdayballoon.jpgThere is no way to describe myself as ‘young’ anymore and I knowwww I am not old. And I know, it’s not how you look, its how young you feel! I knowww I don’t look like I am 40, people keep telling me that they are shocked when they hear that, someone just this morning thought I could even pass for 27! She did seem overly jittery though, I think she was on a caffeine fix so maybe that was affecting her judgement! 40 is serious business. I am 1/3 of the way through with my life. Still seems like a long way to go…I hope at least…and this is when we start to slow down. Not for everyone, like some of my extraordinary friends that are running marathons and riding bikes for sport, or Zumbaholics – gosh those women look amazing! I mean the average person slows down at 40 because they can. I mean in terms of how they think. I was always a pretty chill person but now there is more to analyze and not just blurt out my feelings, or thoughts.

I am wiser. That makes me happy. I am not doing idiot things all the time now, like cutting my hair to spite my face…or sitting still while some cutie kicks me in the eye with his sneaker (true stories). I give healthy, sound advice to those who seek it. I read more, think more, listen more and speak less.That feels good. I am embracing my age not because I don’t have a choice but because I have earned it. I am 40. It still sounds… wrong. I liked 39. I liked most of being 38 even better.

I’ll need to redecorate my room. There are still kid’s drawings from my 38th birthday surprise. The surprise was that when I tried to take some kiddie birthday drawings down the paint was coming with it. SURPRISE!

Here is the picture of my awesome (not surprise) surprise b-day cake from my good friends at the COOKIE CRAVE. It was so delicious, not a flower was left behind.

https://i0.wp.com/www.philmcdonnell.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/06/40th-birthday-decorations.jpgAnyway, I like today. I am in my pajamas and its the middle of the day. I can smell the fact that they found the Duncan Hines, planted secretly in the pantry next to the festive napkins with big ’40’ on them. They just asked if they could use the Rich’s Whip…secretly placed in the front of the shelf in the fridge even though the recipe for Buttercream Frosting was magically left on the counter today. Heehee. We are as young as we feel. I’ll still do practical jokes and secretly hide behind the kitchen wall to jump out and scare one of the kids. I’m still ready to sit on the floor and play trains and legos and read Judy Blum books. It’s all good and I look forward to it even getting better.

https://i2.wp.com/ocdeals.ocregister.com/files/2009/06/slurpee-web.jpghttps://i0.wp.com/profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/373576_103215183051132_1739624499_n.jpgBecause I share this milestone birthday with my son’s special day (Phylactory Day!) I wanted to combine them but felt they each needed their own posts. Tonight we celebrate with Freezees (I AM SOOO EXCITED). I love a slushie. Especially in the summer. I used to be addicted to Slurpees!

So far today has been great and I’m psyched to spend the rest of it with my kids and can’t wait to see their faces when we surprise them with the freezee idea.

From this day forth I declare my birthday PHYLACTERY DAY! Let it be known to all mankind. We shall all be festive and it will be a day henceforth of merriment and cheer.  I know, I can be so weird.